WWRBS (What Would Ron Burgundy Say?)

Photo courtesy of bigjournalism.com

Ever been in a miserable conversation? Ever been at a loss for words? Ever wanted to just completely halt a conversation and walk away, leaving an indelible mark on whomever you just verbally stumped?

Whenever I find myself in situations like these I simply think to myself, “What Would Ron Burgundy Say”?

Everyone knows Ron Burgundy had a way with words. That velvety voice, that perfectly trimmed stache… Burgundy had it going on.

Here’s a list of possible situations in which you might find yourself, and what the head of the Channel 4 News team would deem the proper response:

1. When you and your friends make it through a difficult time…
“I’m proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that’s what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight.”

2. When there is literally any mention of a panda…
“PANDA WATCH!”
(I’ve tried this one; the louder you say it, the cooler you sound.)

3. When someone doubts the efficacy of something…
“They’ve done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time.”

4. When someone doubts your manhood…
“I’m a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That’s what kind of man I am!”

5. When you want to get it on with your co-worker…
“For just one night let’s not be Co-workers. Let’s be Co-people.”

6. When you want to stress how relevant and incredible you are…
“I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.”

7. When all expressions fail to articulate your emotions…
“Sweet Lincoln’s mullet!” or “Great Odin’s raven!” or even “Son of a bee-sting!”

8. When someone (any ethnicity) starts speaking to you in their native tongue…
“What? Were you saying something? Look, I don’t speak Spanish.”

9. When you sense a situation has gotten out of hand…
“Boy, that escalated quickly… I mean, that really got out of hand fast.”

10. When someone insults your mom…
“Dorothy Mantooth is a Saint!”

11. When someone asks you to define diversity…
“Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.”

12.When your lady friend does you wrong…
“Get out! Just go! We are through. Through! Because of your actions, you scorpion woman!”

13. When it’s really really hot…
“It’s so damn hot… milk was a bad choice.”
(I’ve also tried this… some people laughed, some people didn’t. #Winning)

14. When you and your friends have a special moment…
“We are laughing and we are very good friends. Good buddies sharing a special moment… laughing and enjoying our friendship, and someday we’ll look back on this with much fondness.”

Use these special carrots of Burgundy conversation with caution; some people may simply not understand and think you’re bizarre or simply incapable of holding conversation.

But sprinkle a few of these phrases into everyday conversation and if nothing else, you’ll be interesting for single, precious moment in time.

“You stay classy, Planet Earth.”