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Bahama Mamas
29 MarSo I didn’t get my “Mamma Mia” dream location for Spring Break, but I got a beach!
WWRBS (What Would Ron Burgundy Say?)
8 MarEver been in a miserable conversation? Ever been at a loss for words? Ever wanted to just completely halt a conversation and walk away, leaving an indelible mark on whomever you just verbally stumped?
Whenever I find myself in situations like these I simply think to myself, “What Would Ron Burgundy Say”?
Everyone knows Ron Burgundy had a way with words. That velvety voice, that perfectly trimmed stache… Burgundy had it going on.
Here’s a list of possible situations in which you might find yourself, and what the head of the Channel 4 News team would deem the proper response:
1. When you and your friends make it through a difficult time…
“I’m proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that’s what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight.”
2. When there is literally any mention of a panda…
“PANDA WATCH!”
(I’ve tried this one; the louder you say it, the cooler you sound.)
3. When someone doubts the efficacy of something…
“They’ve done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time.”
4. When someone doubts your manhood…
“I’m a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That’s what kind of man I am!”
5. When you want to get it on with your co-worker…
“For just one night let’s not be Co-workers. Let’s be Co-people.”
6. When you want to stress how relevant and incredible you are…
“I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.”
7. When all expressions fail to articulate your emotions…
“Sweet Lincoln’s mullet!” or “Great Odin’s raven!” or even “Son of a bee-sting!”
8. When someone (any ethnicity) starts speaking to you in their native tongue…
“What? Were you saying something? Look, I don’t speak Spanish.”
9. When you sense a situation has gotten out of hand…
“Boy, that escalated quickly… I mean, that really got out of hand fast.”
10. When someone insults your mom…
“Dorothy Mantooth is a Saint!”
11. When someone asks you to define diversity…
“Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.”
12.When your lady friend does you wrong…
“Get out! Just go! We are through. Through! Because of your actions, you scorpion woman!”
13. When it’s really really hot…
“It’s so damn hot… milk was a bad choice.”
(I’ve also tried this… some people laughed, some people didn’t. #Winning)
14. When you and your friends have a special moment…
“We are laughing and we are very good friends. Good buddies sharing a special moment… laughing and enjoying our friendship, and someday we’ll look back on this with much fondness.”
Use these special carrots of Burgundy conversation with caution; some people may simply not understand and think you’re bizarre or simply incapable of holding conversation.
But sprinkle a few of these phrases into everyday conversation and if nothing else, you’ll be interesting for single, precious moment in time.
“You stay classy, Planet Earth.”
Why Haven’t You Seen This Movie? What’s Wrong with You???
6 MarThere are just some movies out there that you need to see; if you haven’t seen it, don’t worry about it, but you better get on your Netflix and get your act together soon or I’m just going to wonder what’s wrong with you.
March’s “Why Haven’t You Seen This Movie” is 2009’s “Zombieland”. Why? Because it’s awesome.
Zombies are funny, they just are. They’re not anywhere near as scary as ghosts or vampires (I don’t care if the vampires in “Twilight” are hot, they still freak me out). They’re super easy to kill and they move like an inch every minute.
Not scary.
“Zombieland” takes a plot that for all intensive purposes should be completely yawn-inducing, and turns it into one of the funnier movies I’ve seen in a long time.
Jesse Eisenburg is the quintessential nerd. He does that whole Michael Cera thing, but smarter. So he’s fine.
Woody Harrelson is the perfect zombie killing bad ass with a penchant for Twinkies.
Abigail Breslin is the best spunky little kid on film alongside Chloe Moretz (who kicked serious butt while still looking adorable in 2010’s “Kick Ass”), and Emma Stone is still the only human alive who could make me want to dye my hair red.
But by far the best character and perhaps the best moment in the film is Bill Murray’s cameo; I laughed literally the entire time he was on screen (which wasn’t long). The man can do no wrong; except make out with Scarlet Johansson… I still have mixed emotions on that one.
Basically, these people just drive around in sweet cars (they alternate between an Escalade and a Hummer), crash a mansion in Beverly Hills (Murray’s of course), and completely destroy things. And somehow this never gets old.
“Zombieland” is not for the faint of heart. Don’t even think about eating during it… trust me, I would never lead you astray.
Think “Jennifer’s Body” (for the gore) + “Dawn of the Dead” (for the zombies) + “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World” (for the weird special effects). Somehow, this equals greatness.
I wouldn’t think people were totally crazy for not seeing this movie, given the extreme graphicness of it. But the humor completely offsets the gore, making all the blood and guts actually seem funny too. It’s all part of the joke.
So go watch it, just don’t eat spaghetti while you do so.
Most Desirable Place on Earth/Film
24 FebIn light of all the spring break fever, I have resorted to imagining myself being anywhere but the classroom.
This week, I want to be in the movie “Mamma Mia”, set in Greece.
Ignore the sweaty old men barely carrying a tune, Meryl Streep’s ratty blonde hair, and the stench of an unnecessary Broadway to Hollywood transition and picture yourself on the tranquil blue tinted waters of a Grecian Island.
This movie was no “Chicago” but it’s infectious nature was hard to resist, and so was it’s beautiful location.
Where would you like to be this week?
Bieber Fever: Not a Passing Fad
22 FebNormally, videos of a little kid banging on a set of pots and pans would elicit nothing but irritation and a set of ear plugs. But for Patricia “Pattie” Lynn Mallette, one of the stars of this month’s 3-D documentary centering around her 16-year-old son, Justin Bieber, her two year old’s noisemaking was a sign of incredible talent, and a future she could never have imagined.
I always liked Justin Bieber. He was cute, he had catchy songs, and interviews revealed him to be a genuinely nice kid. But that was about the extent of my Bieber Fever; I guess you could call it more of a Bieber Case of the Sniffles.
But after seeing Justin Bieber: Never Say Never¸ anyone who is either obsessed, enjoys, or simply tolerates this young talent would have to admit one thing: this kid deserves it.
This is not the story of Britney Spears or Justin Timberlake, churned out from Disney’s “The Micky Mouse Club”. There’s nothing manufactured about Bieber.
Early home video footage reveal that his hair was always that beautiful, his eyes always that touching, his teeth always that straight. He taught himself how to play the drums and the guitar and set out to become a star without any professional training in singing or dancing.
He is that rare performer who was literally born to be a star.
He had no connection with stardom. Living in Stratford, Ontario and raised by a single-mother, his launch into the spotlight was fueled by love, encouragement, and the Internet.
Scooter Braun, his current manager, stumbled upon a video of him singing at a Stratford talent competition and immediately set out to discover this unknown anomaly.
Interestingly enough, Bieber placed second in that competition; you can imagine how the first place winner feels now.
The precocious teen went to Atlanta, where he charmed the likes of Usher and Antonio L.A. Reid of Island Def Jam Music Group by singing one of Usher’s own songs.
Bieber then built an army of excessively loyal fans (their crazed interviews being one of the highlights of the film) by tweeting his location on Twitter. The girls (crazies) began to follow him as he charmed DJ after DJ into playing his first record, “One Time”.
The rest is history.
Throughout the film, I was shocked by two things: how normal Bieber was and how completely inhuman Bieber was. The film shows him hanging out with friends. You can tell that these actually are his friends too, not awkward acquaintances forced to feign endearment.
He is shown playing basketball, messing around on golf carts, and generally just being a kid.
He doesn’t wear sunglasses at night or demand caviar in his dressing room. The most touching of realistic moments comes when he walks up to his mom after a show and asks her if it was good.
But this isn’t at all a normal kid. His chart-topping songs showcase some of his singing ability, but this is an infinitely talented kid; a child prodigy. He was able to combine a mix of pure talent, confidence, and charm to get where he is today.
The movie includes an interview with current manager, Braun, explaining how agencies initially refused to sign Bieber, saying he needed “a machine” like Disney or Nickelodeon; there was no platform for such a young performer.
But Bieber worked against those odds, becoming a bigger sensation and infatuation than all those churned about by “the machine”.
I’ve seen” Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work” and plenty of other documentaries following a day/month/year-in-the-life of various fascinating people, but Bieber’s story had something really special. Perhaps it was the slow motion shot of Bieber flipping his iconic hair, which despite its cheesy nature actually worked in the movie.
But it was more than that.
The movie celebrates the insanity or the “fever” that emerged from the rise of Bieber, but most importantly, it shows you why such a young boy is capable of eliciting such insanity.
People may laugh that someone who is just recently eligible for a driver’s license is capable of having a documentary centering entirely on his life, but they would be wrong.
As I said earlier, Bieber deserves everything he receives.
The climax of the movie, his sold out show at Madison Square Garden in New York City, leaves the audience wondering whether or not his star will fade away, becoming only a memory of beautiful hair and gold star smile, or if his talent will transcend.
Molly Slusher of Dallas, TX said, “He’s so talented, I just don’t see someone that talented ever going away”.
This movie will not win an Oscar. It will not go down as one of the best movies of 2011 (although I wouldn’t mention that to your pre-teen daughter), and it will not solve world peace.
But it is an inspiration; I don’t think anyone could argue that.
It is fun, it is informative, and it does everything that a movie centered around a 16-year-old pop star should do: it entertains.
No Medicine for Bieber Fever
22 FebThe tagline for the recently released 3-D documentary, “Justin Bieber: Never Say Never”, reads: “find out what’s possible if you never give up”.
This movie holds strong to its word, revealing what does happen for Justin Bieber, the 16-year-old performer who emerged from humble roots to become one of the world’s most savory sensations.
Justin Bieber: Never Say Never, released on Feb. 11, gives audience members plenty of Bieber’s physical assets (That hair! Those eyes!), but the film goes much deeper than the millions of clammering, crying, and crazed young, female fans.
It takes a retrospective look at Bieber’s early life, using intimate home videos and interviews with Bieber’s mom, friends, manager, and grandparents to give depth and sweetness to the documentary.
The home video quality videos are intermixed with the high-production, high-quality footage of Bieber’s concert at Madison Square Garden.
The juxtaposition between Bieber’s very public, very famous life and his youthful days as an undiscovered child prodigy creates a feeling of intimacy that gives the audience a first class pass on his journey to stardom.
The underlying story follows Bieber from a very young age. Born in Stratford, Ontario, he taught himself to play the drums and the guitar at two years old.
His mother, Pattie, was 18 years old when she became pregnant with Bieber and split from his father. The single-mother was helped immensely by her parents who encouraged the young boy’s talent.
In 2007, Pattie filmed her son singing Ne-Yo’s “So Sick” at a talent competition in Stratford. Although he came in second, the video was posted on YouTube and eventually started generating interest.
Scooter Braun, who would eventually become Bieber’s manager, stumbled upon the video and became obsessed with finding the pint-sized talent.
After convincing Pattie, the mother and son were flown to Atlanta, Georgia to record demo tapes. It was here that Bieber was introduced to Usher, who initially brushed the boy aside until Bieber convinced him to listen to him sing.
He was signed to Island Records in 2008 and the rest is history.
Certainly, Bieber is an incredible talent; a triple threat. But what is most startling about Bieber’s journey is his catapult into stardom. He is a product of the social-networking and cyber era.
The movie pays great tribute to that, focusing especially on the power of YouTube and Twitter. It was YouTube that brought Braun to him, but it was Twitter that ignited his small flame into a wildfire.
When first starting out, Bieber visited almost every radio station in America to charm them into playing his first single, “One Time”.
He tweeted each station he went to and eventually built a strong following.
Soon, the 15 year old’s record was topping the charts, and he had developed a passionately loyal fan base.
Twitter remains an integral part throughout the movie. In what could arguable be the conflict of the movie, building up to its climax, Bieber suffers from a sore throat, forcing him to cancel one of the many shows in My World tour.
The film shows Bieber, laying on a couch and typing on his phone. A text box comes up on the screen showing the apology Bieber has written on Twitter. The text box disappears but is replaced by hundreds of “get well” responses that are so numerous they devour the screen.
The film did well at the box office, grossing $12.4 million on its opening day.
Rotten Tomatoes gave it positive %66 saying, “As a tour documentary, it’s rather uninspired — but as a 3-D glimpse of a building pop culture phenomenon, Never Say Never is undeniably entertaining.”
Movie goers in Dallas, TX enjoyed the film. Lizzie McKelvey, a student at Southern Methodist University, said, “I already loved Justin Bieber, but I’m a full blown fanatic now.”
The film reveals what can happen with pure talent and pure luck. Bieber was not a product of the Disney Channel or Nickelodeon, he gained stardom on his own.
Braun recalls how agencies initially refused to sign Bieber, saying that there was no platform for him. He was talented, but was it enough? Apparently it was.
The tender documentary chronicles the story of an underdog who succeeded in showing the world what could happen if you never give up.
Baz Luhrmann + Leo + The Great Gatbsy = Australia?
22 FebI was thrilled to hear there was going to be a new film based on one of my favorite books: The Great Gatbsy.
I was even more thrilled to hear the film would star some of my favorite actors (Leonardo DiCaprio and Carey Mulligan) and would be directed by one of my favorite directors (Baz Luhrmann).
DiCaprio and Mulligan are perfect for this time period, and I think everyone who has seen the 1974 film starring Robert Redford and Mia Farrow would be happy to see a better attempt at the iconic novel.
But I’m going to have to have faith in Luhrmann’s judgement on a couple of things (hoping for more of a Moulin Rouge! style risk than an Australia flop).
First of all, the movie is set to be filmed in Australia. Yes, that’s right; Australia will be a stand in for New York City.
Perhaps Lurhmann is determined to feature his beloved Australia in film that has more potential than 2008’s beautiful trainwreck starring Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman.
Secondly, Lurhmann recently announced that it will be filmed in 3-D. Dear God, no.
Yes, Alice In Wonderland looked pretty cool popping out at you, and Avatar would have just looked weird if it weren’t in 3-D, but is there EVER another situation where 3 dimensions are necessary?
It’s like they’ve said, “No, using a story that has been reveered for generations which will star Oscar nominated actors isn’t enough.”
What are they going to do? Are the eyes of Doctor T.J. Eckleburg going to pop out of the screen? Is Daisy going to throw Gatsby’s shirts at the audience?
Maybe 3-D will someday reach the sophistication where it does not appear solely as a gimmick, but I can’t imagine that that time is now.
For now, I’m simply putting my trust in Luhrmann.
Moulin Rouge! could have been pretty cool in 3-D.









